One of the reasons I love Joel Goldsmith's teachings is that he gets right down to it. He gets me right into the heart of the matter - God. His writings have been very inspirational to me and has brought me back into the sense of my own True Reality the numerous times I have fallen or strayed away from my Center.
Recently I have been experiencing a whole range of emotional meltdowns which have been really extreme. I think it feels extreme because it is on its way out and the ego is trying to kick and scream to stay. It tricks me back into hanging on to it by declaring promises of change. It pretends to be nice, be good, be better and if that is not enough, it wants to engage me in dead end, so-called supportive questions like "what do you think,eh?" making me believe that it truly wants to help me, but all the time knowing that its motive is completely different. Of course not! it does'nt want to be helpful!! It wants to feed on the usual chaotic way in which I have responded in the past. The moment the environment begins to show signs of peaceful existence, the ego will not have it. It stirs up the dust, kicks and puffs, cries and gets all victimized bringing attention on to itself and thereby starting another flare-up. In the past I have fallen for it like a zillion times. But now, finally, its over - my tryst with the ego. I have stopped responding to its bates.
You know, there are so many teachings out there, so many scriptures, and really good books and teachers all teaching you to overcome the ego. You want to change, you want to overcome and be better at responding the noises in your head, in the world, etc. That's why you go for training sessions and courses and every teacher expects that now his/her student is going to come out a winner overcoming the ego. According to my experience its not that simple. Its not so much the intention as it is the attention to the change we propose to make. Breaking away from the ego is the most difficult. That is part of the game play on Earth. If it were that easy the world would be a different place to behold already. In a way actually, the world IS Heaven to behold - but only once the world I see in my mind is removed.
Its not the big things to overcome. Its the smallest, tiniest, the most subtle aspects of ourselves that are forgotten because we somehow have not been used to dealing with those aspects. We are constantly looking at the big things, big tragedies, big wars, big viruses, big diseases ... all out there. But all these 'out there' scenarios continue to get churned and reproduced by these small little 'sins' we have not even noticed within.. Every moment, there is a challenge. Not because we have a competitive god, but because the Soul needs constant nurturing and attention. The Soul needs for me to constantly remain in my "I AM-ness". And depending on how much effort one puts into that change, one will understand one's life in exactly that proportion. Wherever your feet have landed in your consciousness in any given situation and how one responds to it, from that space of understanding will one respond. For each soul it is different and each must tend to its own garden. No one from the world can be fully involved in that process. And so, for that we need intense attention to the mind. After all, haven't we heard so often that the world is only an effect? Its like watching TV. You can only see the programmes that are available to see. And now in this digital age, you can watch only the programmes you pay for. There are many freebies, but you don't want them because they are not worth watching! So, what is the state of my spiritual finances? That is a good question I keep asking myself.
These past couple of months have been enlightening and awakening in more ways than one. I can feel the strength of my own will has gotten better. I rely less and less on the 'outside' word. When I literally open my physical eyes, I see the light of the world, which is the effect of all that got sowed in the 'darkness' behind closed eyes. I noticed how I could explore my "I Am-ness" in that wide open space behind my closed eye lids. It is a vast terrain and filled with divine potentiality. No disturbance can enter to help me 'create' a life of joy for myself. I just have to sit in that place more and more and my rhythm begins to come back to normal. I feel beyond better; I feel a bliss, a healing, a deep relaxation. And sometimes I can hear the noises in my head trying to disturb my peace ... noises of the ego that has been dominating my life through various ways and means and it is precisely in this moment when I declare I AM NOT THAT PERSON that I suddenly feel free. I have believed the world for so long and made all the opinions and comments and criticisms of the world my own. I have buried myself in guilt my whole life. Not anymore. I have believed myself to be all of those people that I am not and I have suffered tremendously for it. Not any more. I no longer pretend to be happy and at ease. I Am what I Am in this moment, and if this moments feels divine, then I try to stay in that moment for as long as it is possible for me. If it does not feel divine, then I still try to stay in it as long as possible to let it pass. And now, as I sit in the deep darkness of my mind shinning with The Light of The Ultimate Reality, I can say with ease and calm I simply Am. I AM. Period. I Am not this. I Am not that. I AM not the other. I am simply I AM. No extensions. No tags. AND THEN I WATCH IT ALL FALLING AWAY ONE BY ONE . All the judgments stop. I look forward to that moment in my consciousness when I can just BE without effort. I AM. And each and every time it feels blissful.
<< It would be an impossibility to find ourselves in the presence of God and find anything of a harmonious nature missing in our experience, because ‘I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.’ How could we possibly have the presence of that I, the presence of that God, and not have life and have it more abundantly? But to seek people, or places, or conditions would be to seek outside the realm of God. In that way lies trouble. Many have been destroyed by the very things they have devoted their lives to seeking, but no one has ever been destroyed by seeking and finding God. Seeking God leads to realization, to the actual experience of God. The Master well knew that in that experience we have all because he said: ‘Your Father knoweth that ye have need of these things. . . . for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom.’
To comprehend the full meaning of the Master's statement, we must understand the nature of God. Probably all of us have been taught from childhood that there is a God, but few of us know what God is. If we could put aside all books, including the Bible, and live with but one question in our mind, ‘What is God?’ meditating day and night on that question, ultimately, God Itself would reveal the answer. We would have to do this, however, with a mind completely free of all concepts of God and begin as if we were completely alone with God. We would not accept anybody else's opinion, anybody else's experience, or anybody else's point of view: We would have our own experience with God. If we could do that, we should find that, sooner or later, God would reveal Itself to us in such unmistakable terms that never again would we have any doubts as to what God is or how to pray. >>
~ Joel Goldsmith ~
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